


and a million miles

by ladanse



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: AU, Angst, Gay Rights, Historical AU, M/M, Pain, Period-Typical Homophobia, Stonewall, aids epidemic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 06:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8238862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladanse/pseuds/ladanse
Summary: "If you stayed, this would be different," murmurs Charles into his shoulder.Erik lets out a deep breath, rattling through his chest. "I know," he says. It's all he has.





	

**Author's Note:**

> for the prompt: 'hello yes how about cherik and include the line "if you stayed, this would be different"'
> 
> title from 'Hello' by Adele
> 
> haha I hope this is painful, y'all

Erik lies slumped back on the rickety bed, trying to smile. His fingers card shakily through Charles' hair, mousy-brown and soft on the pillow next to him.

  

"If you stayed, this would be different," murmurs Charles into his shoulder.

 

He lets out a deep breath, rattling through his chest. "I know," he says. It's all he has.

 

******************

 

In 1962, Charles befriends a man named Erik. Erik is tall, dark, and Jewish; his Columbia dorm is a few narrow roads down. They meet every Wednesday for coffee and commiseration over Biology 203, Charles promises himself he will not ruin this by trying anything, and damns Erik's jawline.

 

It takes two years, Erik moving into Charles' apartment, and a long night of Erik bringing him coffee (spiked liberally with whiskey) while he scribbles through his dissertation, before he looks up, letting Erik's fingers brush his on the handle of the coffee cup, and realizes he is in love.

 

"What?" says Erik, nonplussed, when Charles remains poised with one hand still in the air. Charles knows he is staring, knows the almost disconcerting effect his gaze can have in the half-light of early morning, but he can't look away. He's a little drunk; he lets himself indulge in the line of Erik's jaw, his hair, unruly as it has always been, his eyes, dark and bright and confused.

 

"Nothing," says Charles, finally looking away. He is in love with Erik; he accepts this like a pill, swallows it, feels it strain the muscles of his throat and leave them bruised, and he looks back to the papers scattered across his tiny desk.

 

  
By 1965, Erik has moved to a different apartment (all the better, Charles thinks bitterly) and Charles has joined the Mattachine. Somewhere in the last two years he decided he cannot see everything he cannot have in his kitchen drinking black coffee and leaving dishes in the leaky sink.

 

Then Kameny pickets the White House lawn and Charles goes to stop him and sees Erik there for the first time in months, holding up a sign, chin tilted up, daring Charles to say something.

 

He freezes - he is staring again - "I didn't know," he says, breathlessly, letting his fingers reach up to graze Erik's cheekbone. They are shaking. "I didn't - "

 

"Charles," says Erik, and kisses him in the middle of the street. It's all very dramatic, Charles will think later, but for now, he kisses back and lets his mind go quiet.

 

  
In 1969 they are in Stonewall when the riots erupt. Charles takes a police club to the back - something cracks - he can't hear Erik yelling over the noise, over the pain. He can't hear anything, because he can't feel his legs.

 

  
"No," he tells Erik again. "Not that, Erik."

 

"They hurt you, liebling," says Erik, his voice taut like the abdomen of a snarling wolf. "They should pay."

 

"I don't need you to wreak vengeance for me. The GLF works with Communists and the mob runs their clubs. It's dangerous. And illegal."

 

"So are we," says Erik bitterly. "I know you think you don't need me - "

 

"That's not what I said, Erik - "

 

"Is that not what this is about - "

 

"This is about my _job_! You can't go gallivanting off in the name of civil rights when we don't have enough to eat every night - "

 

"We would if not for your hospital bills - " Erik stops and Charles' expression cracks. "Charles," he says, voice hushed. He has crossed a line. "I didn't mean - "

 

Charles turns away, clumsy in his wheelchair. "But you did, Erik," he says. "Please leave," he adds, devastating and polite to a fault.

 

"Charles, look at me - "

 

"I asked you to leave."

 

Erik has nothing but anger left, and he drowns in it. He asks Charles how he plans to care for himself, a teacher and a paraplegic living alone; he stomps around and gathers his things to the tune of Charles' silence.

 

In 1969, Erik leaves.

 

  
Ten years later, Erik lives in San Francisco. He is restless but not angry; his fury was burnt out of him the night he left Charles' apartment. He spends his evenings wandering, his nights finding someone to fuck him and keep his mind blank for an hour or two. It never works, and he is not particularly surprised.

 

In 1981, Erik wakes up with a rash and a fever. He doesn't think much of it until it happens again, and again, and one day he catches a cold and can't shake it for nearly a month. He loses weight; he misses work and doesn't have anything in his fridge to bulk himself up again. His eyes are starved, cheeks gaunt. Erik stays home; he knows what this is, knows that it will kill him.

 

In 1981, he sends Charles a letter of apology. A goodbye. He doesn't usually apologize, but he is dying, and he doesn't want to die with this on his conscience.

Charles shows up at his ratty doorstep less than a week later. Erik panics and nearly slams the door, but Charles puts his arm out and stops him. He is too weak to protest.

 

Charles stays until the end, and when Erik can't leave his bed, Charles maneuvers himself out of his wheelchair and curls up next to him the best he can. Erik knows he has pneumonia (what a pointless way to die, after all of this) and tries to keep Charles out. It doesn't work.

 

"If you had stayed, this would have been different," says Charles, "but even if this is all the time we could have had, I would be grateful."

 

"I love you," says Erik. "I never stopped."

 

"I know," says Charles quietly. "Neither could I."

 

Erik finds it in him to smile, and closes his eyes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all liked it! let me know for historical inaccuracies. I want to fix them if they are there - any history stuff on here is straight off Wikipedia, so :)


End file.
